CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS

November 16, 2004 | Columbus Dispatch
by Joe Blundo

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush
is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be
required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border
farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors,
animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. "I
went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer
huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage
borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He
asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I
didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my
screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing
speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective,"
he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much
they wouldn't give milk." Officials are particularly concerned about
smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo
station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without
a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,
though." When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border,
often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer
and watch NASCAR. In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing
as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an
official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the
good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How
many art-history majors does one country need?" In an effort to ease
tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney
met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would
take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're
going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some
endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach
out."